How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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