I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
