If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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