She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
