So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
is it fun? or sober?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
