please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
