i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
