Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
