do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
