So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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