she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
