If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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