she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
