mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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