I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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