just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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