Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
