I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
