I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
