True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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