My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
