i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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