She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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