It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Damn victory sex feels great
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
