I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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