I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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