Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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