I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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