Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
