also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
