i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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