My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
