I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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