I'm so fucking centered right now
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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