I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
