i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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