I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
