The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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