I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
