you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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