I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
