R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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