and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
