My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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