Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
