hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
