I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
