I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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