I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
