hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
